Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
