Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
A+ Viking dick
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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