You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
