I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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