My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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