I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
