Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
