IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
