i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
