Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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