Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
