I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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