When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
