singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
