My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize