tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
