Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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