Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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