fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
