I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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