Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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