OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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