In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
