If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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