Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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