did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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