Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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