i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
