I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
