Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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