Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
