my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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