Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
