It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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