He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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