I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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