my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Randomize
