it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
