I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
