My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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