I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Randomize
