i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
