Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Randomize
