Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize