Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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