You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
As shirtless as possible
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
