dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
