apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
