Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize