you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
