I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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