Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
it was like eating out sand paper
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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