Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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