Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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