I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
