do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
