New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
