ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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