She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize