my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
