My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
